Thursday, August 30, 2007

I've spent the greater part of my life as a medical social worker/case manager; concern with the physical and mental health of others being my primary focus.

The health and overall well-being of my dogs followed (Daisy continues to visit the vet weekly to have her eye checked for a slowly healing ulcer and the geriatric vet monthly for arthritis), with little or no concern for my own personal health.

All of that changed six weeks ago when I decided, after three years that it was time for a physical. (I belong to the school that says "if it isn't broken, don't fix it").

This is when I change from the usual level-headed, sensible person to my alter-ego. Surfacing from somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind, frequently talked about but seldom seen, THE DRAMA QUEEN!

I am not considered the most co-operative patient on the planet. I usually don't follow thru on the advice of my physicians, and never take a full perscription of perscribed medicines.

The Party from hell is about to begin. Fasten your seat-belts!


Dr. K: Nice of you to finally take the time to stop by....... (this guy is a friend)!

009: I feel great, really. I'm just here because my family and friends think an annual physical is a must.

Dr. K: Are you still smoking?

009: I walked 34 blocks in the heat during gay pride and was not out of breath nor did I need to sit down.

Dr. K: You're still smoking, you're going to go into COPD within 5 years.

009: Perscribe me an albuterol inhaler.

Dr. K: The prostate. I'm ordering blood work and a PSA test. We'll follow up in two weeks with a full exam. I also want a chest x-ray and it's time for a colonoscopy. I'm giving you a referral to Dr. S.

009: Whoa.... slow down! Can we please take care of one non-problem at a time, please? (drama). Let's start with the blood work.

Dr. K: Do you want a sample of Viagra?

009: What do I need Viagra for? Erectile dyspunction is not a problem, thank you very much but if ever becomes one, you'll be the first to know. ASSHOLE! (did I mention this guy is a friend?)

I left with five perscriptions. One for the albuterol, one for a new pill to get my brain to reject nicotine, a referral to Dr. S, a referral for blood work and another referral for the chest X-ray (which would be last on my list).

WEEK TWO: The blood work. I've now decided that this is a multi-step ordeal. I will not schedule an appointment with Dr. S. the gastroenterologist until I have the results of the blood work

WEEK THREE: The physical.

Dr. K: The blood work is fine. The cholesterol, triglycerides are fine, etc, etc, etc. Now lie down and let's check the prostate. OUCH!

This was followed by an EKG which went off the chain because of the hair on my chest.

009: You didn't tell me I had to shave my chest.

WEEK FOUR: The Gastroenterologist ( I love spelling that).

009: (to self) cute, cute, cute.........

Dr. S: How are you feeling?

009: Great. This is your friend's idea. I feel fine, really.

Dr. S: Any bleeding, etc., etc., etc.

009: No

Dr. S: Are you a smoker? Any heartburn, etc......

009: Yes and Yes

Dr. S: I want to schedule an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. (explained both in detail).

009: Fine, but one thing at a time. Let's start with the endoscopy.

WEEK FIVE: The endoscopy

You must not take any blood thinning medication for 7 days before the procedure. Headaches to hell!

You must fast from midnight the day before the procedure and you may not drive yourself to and from the outpatient surgery center. You will be sleeping during the procedure.

009: Who the hell can I ask to take time off from work to drive me to this thing? Most of my friends live or work out of town. I finally decided to ask a friend who works relatively close to the surgery center.

The procedure itself was successful, although I was soundly asleep and remember nothing.

WEEK SIX: The other oscopy

You may not take any blood thinning medications for 7 days before the procedure. (It is now 14 days since I've had a aspirin.)

Monday evening: Immediately after dinner you must take 4 Dulcolax tablets.

Tuesday: You must stay on a clear liquid diet all day (this does not include vodka or gin). At 5:00 PM, you must drink this horrid tasting liquid followed by 40 ounces of water or more clear liquid (sprite, white grape juice).

Wednesday: At 4:30 AM, more horrid tasting liquid followed by another 40 ounces of water. Nothing else until the procedure, scheduled at 8:30 AM.

The average person would return to work the following day (Thursday). I need a "recovery period" and am not scheduled to return until next Tuesday!

UPDATE: And all the tests were NEGATIVE! Life is good....


ConnieJane said...

Poor's hell getting old isn't it?

I swear doctors make most of their money "running tests". It's the one thing insurance companies pay without much fuss.

You're certainly clean as a whistle... inside and out.
Hopefully all is well.

CrackerLilo said...

Dondon, you know, all I do when I need a sick day is wipe off all my makeup so I just *look* like hell...

*hug* I'm so sorry that's what your past few weeks have been like. At least with all these doctors working on you, the problems won't get any worse...but you know that.