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"His mother should have thrown him away
and kept the stork." (Mae West)

SANTORUM BACKS BAN ON GAY WESTERNS

Golden Globes Win for 'Brokeback Mountain' Irks Pennsylvania Senator

Three days after the critically acclaimed film "Brokeback Mountain" won Golden Globe awards in four major categories, Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Penn) called for a constitutional amendment banning gay westerns.

"We cannot sit idly by and watch 'Brokeback Mountain' sashay into the mainstream of American culture," Mr. Santorum said on the Senate floor today. "If allowed to flourish, gay westerns will destroy the sanctity of traditional westerns."

He added that if the film continued to gain acceptance in the heartland, several western states might soon legalize marriage between gay cowboys.

The Pennsylvania senator explained that his proposal of a constitutional amendment banning gay westerns was not a rash decision on his part: "I only reached this decision after watching 'Brokeback Mountain' ten, maybe twelve times."

Mr. Santorum added that it was "unconscionable" that the producers of the film had cast an actor as "hot and sexy" as Heath Ledger as one of the gay cowboys, since "he only makes the gay cowboy lifestyle seem more enticing."

In a sign that Mr. Santorum may have more constitutional amendments to propose, he said that he was also "very concerned" that Hollywood might someday produce a remake of the film "Benji" featuring "man on dog sex."

"I am going to be extra vigilant on this issue," Mr. Santorum said. "If there is a remake of 'Benji' featuring man on dog sex, I will be waiting in line for a ticket on the very first day."

Elsewhere, the Supreme Court voiced support for assisted suicide, and model Kate Moss voiced support for career suicide.

The Borowitz Report (Note: The Borowitz Report is a HUMOR blog!)