Mixed Emotions

Tonite I need a drink; as a matter of fact, I need a whole lotta drinks. It's been a week from HELL!
Actually, HELL for me began in March 2005. On March 20th, I wrote about the first day of spring, and how wonderful life was at the time. The next day.... March 21, 2005 I was informed that the kid I had raised alone for many years and until he finally got married and had a family of his own, had been killed in an auto accident. I still haven't begun to heal yet when two weeks ago, one of my uncles died in Canada; and then today, I attended the funeral of a fellow worker, a friend who was told two weeks ago that he had liver cancer. He was 46........ life sucks a big fat one at the moment!

Now, add to the above all of the issues that concern me deeply: including the bigotry in the political arena (those damned closeted fags who support anti-gay legislation) ... I'm outing you bitches; and the hypocricy in the church (preaching against homosexuality in the pulpit and suckin dick on the side) I'm gonna kick your happy hypocritical asses and write about you every chance I get!

SWEET JESUS, I'M ON A ROLL!

THE FUNERAL: (With no offense meant to my many African American friends and co-workers who I love dearly)
I was welcomed and embraced by a congregation of kind and compassionate parishoners dressed in traditional black or white mourning attire (the ladies in massive hats that would have put the royal family to shame). There were several nurses in white uniforms and caps (something I can't quite understand) scattered throughout the church holding boxes of tissue or hand fans.

Never having attended an almost three hour long African American Southern Baptist hand clapping, foot stomping, dancing in the aisles funeral; what I had previusly assumed would be a very sad occassion, turned into a festive celebration which the pastor called a "going home". The music was electrifying gospel and the three soloists increased the momentum to new heights.

I was in another world, having a very difficult time trying to comprehend all this joy when inside, my heart was breaking over the loss of a friend; remembering also my own personal loss less than 5 months ago. Both men had died much too soon, both leaving behind young children much to young to fully understand the impact that this would forever have on their lives. Being a traditionalist, I was not comfortable at all taking part in this seemingly "joyous occasion" although I was somewhat made to understand the concept when the eulogist, in a more than 50 minute discussion and dissection of the 23rd psalm ended by asking if anyone wanted to be saved....... I was about to raise my hand (save me from this torture)!

My friend Edmund who is a minister of music at his Southern Baptist Church grabbed my arm and asked me to please just relax for a while longer with promises of an unlimited supply of Green Apple Martini's if I would PLEASE remain calm for just a little while longer! Another friend, Jacqui who was also becoming a bit uncomfortable began picking at my back and when I asked what the hell she was doing, she said she was removing PUG hair from my black jersey.

I realized it was time to end this celebration when (BAD BOY, BAD BOY, BAD BAD BOY) that I am, I began to have romantic fantasies involving the organist, one of the readers, and one of the soloists! I can hear my friend laughing, shaking his head and saying "can't you even attend my funeral without wanting to get in some guys pants?"

We ended up at the very posh Vinoy Hotel and Resort in St. Petersburg. Lush and pricey! Three people, three drinks each, we're talking almost $90 dollars including tip! Anyway, it was worth it because my friends were able to explain a lot about the service and what they call a "going home" celebration. Did it make me feel any better? Not a bit! I just can't bring myself to celebrate the death of someone I care about!


I arrived back home at about 9:00 PM, fed and walked the dogs, made the above entry and decided to take a short nap before going out again. Unfortunately, the alcohol seemed to have worked wonders because I fell into a deep sleep and didn't wake up until Sunday morning!